I believe effective listening is the key to most anything in this world when it comes to both relationships, and making / keeping friendships with people in general.
When I first meet a girl, the first thing I do, is get my head out of the clouds, or my head out of some body part of hers, and concentrate on the words that are coming out of her mouth.
As an example, if she tells me her last relationship broke up because he cheated on her. Ok, its fine to say that, but if it goes beyond a single sentence, then I start to ask myself “why is she telling me all this?” Is she trying to gain sympathy from me? for the last thing any of us need is more drama in our lives. I’ve been cheated on, and lied to, dozens of times, but I don’t go around telling all my friends, or potential dates about it. Its one thing to make a simple statement, but totally different to dwell on the subject.
First off, if your dwelling, that means your not over it, so thats when I first start asking myself “would I even want to date this person if there dwelling on old boyfriends” no, I wouldn’t, because then her heart could never truely belong to me.
Its no different with just friendship, even if its just a same sex friendship, if the friend keeps dwelling on the past, then that person doesn’t have the capacity to look forward. I admit, it takes me awhile to get over when being hurt, but at least I am aware of that weakness, and don’t move forward with a girl until I know my heart is available to do so. I don’t dwell on the facts of the past, for we can’t do anything about the past anyway, all we can do is look forward, so there is no reason to even discuss the events that took place in the past, so if that person is doing so, either one of two things is going on.
1. There dwelling because in their heart they still love that person, and won’t let that person go completely in their heart.
2. That person is a drama queen, and is just trying to get attention, or sympathy, from others.
Neither of those two situations, if very healthy. If you can’t completely let go of the person who did you wrong, you should only be discussing it with that person, not one of your friends, otherwise keep it private to yourself, because if its one thing I’ve learned about having friends in general, its that, they only want to hear about positive things, not negitive things from the past that keep you down.
Think about effective listening the next time you talk to someone, and you’ll be surprised how much you can pick up on about that person, just by listening to the words they have to say. You can also pick up on, rather that person is a “control freak” or not, or if that person lies easy, just by the way that person reacts to things.
Just as an example, if the person is divorced, and there dating a married person, or person who’s marriage isn’t finalized yet. First of all you have to ask yourself, “if that person is willing to cheat on their husband / wife without that marriage even being final yet, what makes you think that person is going to be faithful to you??” . It makes perfect sense. I was asked out by a girl in Warsaw one time, after my divorce was finalized, at church. She and her husband used to sit next to me in church. She went on about her elaborate story, about how he is lying to her, cheating on her behind her back, blablabla” . I didn’t tell her this, but the first thing that popped into my mind is “yeah, and so your hitting on me behind his back, why?”. Then later, I found out something even more disturbing, that they had only been married 11 months. Less then a year. So then I thought “well gosh, if her heart can’t even be faithful to her husband for not even a year, then why would I think she could be faithful to me?” so I kinda gathered from that, that she wasn’t telling me the whole story, that there must be some reason he cheated on her, beyond what she is telling me.
Do you understand my point? and why effective listening is so important? You can tell so much about a person, just by the words they say, and how they react to certain situations. That is why, when I listen to someone, I listen with an objective mind. I don’t just sit there while they babble letting what they say go in one ear out the other, simply because that person is “cute” or “female” or whatever. I listen with a completely objective mind, so that way I can pick up on things about that persons character.
Its not judging, alot of people think I’m judging when I effectively listen, its not that, for if a person is a liar, cheater, or whatever, that doesn’t stop me from being their friend, but when it comes to relationships, and being just friends closely, you do have to listen and be objective about things, for you don’t want to end up getting hurt by that person, so I look at it as protecting my heart.
I suppose I could just let what she says go in one ear out the other, brown nosing her with responses like “oh I’m sorry that happened to you, he is such a jerk, let me go out and beat him up for you” I suppose I could react that way, but I choose not to, because that would tell others something about my character also. If I went out and tried to “beat up” an ex, that would tell a girl that I was a control freak, an abuser in sheeps clothing, and basically someone who doesn’t have Jesus in their heart. If a person is truely worth her heart, he wouldn’t be running after ex’s threatening or beating them up, thats a sign of a control freak, or an abusive person, who reacts in such a manner, towards anyone. Instead, I concentrate on “not being that person” who did her wrong. The last thing a girl needs, is a control freak when she’s been hurt. She needs a man who won’t hurt her, or other people around her. She needs someone who can stand by her side, comfort her when she needs it, and just to basically be there and not lie or cheat on her.
Not just girls, but I think us guys need that same thing, in both a friend, and in someone more, someone who will just be there, stick by your side, no matter what.
I’ve always believed, the secret to any true friendship, or relationship, is both your abilities to stick by that person, no matter what stupid things they do in life. If one of you cheats around, can you forgive and continue on? If not, then you two were never truely friends to begin with. True friendship means sticking around no matter what stupid things you do. Sure its wrong, and immoral to cheat, its a sin to cheat, but does that mean God doesn’t forgive us? Of course he does! and it should be no different for friends, relatives, or even spouses. I think thats what Leviticus 19:18 truely means to begin with, “do not seek revenge, or bear a grudge against, one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself” and I believe the same is true for spouses, if your not willing to forgive each other, then that person was never right for you to begin with….
