tcoburn.com

I was born on September 21st, 1970 in Fort Wayne, Indiana USA.. My mother contracted Rubella when she was pregnant with me. For those who do not know what Rubella is, its a form of Measles. When expectant mothers get the measles while pregnant, the baby can have some serious birth defects such as blindness, deafness, and retardation...

The Rubella left me with Cataracts in both eyes. I was born totally blind til the age of 18 months, with 9 different sergeries what they call 'needling' a surgery where they go in and attempt to poke out the lense of the eye with a needle. Its the treatment they used before the lazer surgeries they use on Cataract patients today. I had 9 different surgeries from when I was 18 months to 9 years of age. They say it was like trying to cut a tire with a butter knife. They were able to restore partial vision, up to 20/200 which is considered visually impared.. Over the years, however, scar tissue grew around the cataract which they cannot remove with the lazers today... 20/200 means, what I see at 20 ft away, a person with perfect eyesight sees at 200 ft. So if you were to do the math, when a person with perfect eyesight looks at something 5 feet away from them, I have to get 6 inches up to see the same thing. Remember not everyone has 20/20 eyesight, but thats a rough idea. If you've ever been to McDonalds, think of the menu board, from the front counter when ordering food, I can see the pictures of the valu meals, but cannot see the prices or the words at even that close distance.. I can see a newspaper if I hold it up 6 inches away from my face.. I have to have special glasses in order to see any smaller then that.. In school, I could not see the blackboard even from the front row.. I can see an overhead if I am about 2 feet away from it, which is not practical in a glassroom environment so I was told...

Teachers in my school did not know how to teach a kid like me who cannot see the blackboard. So after my parents divorce when I was 11, I was sent away to the Indiana School for the blind in Indianapolis where I could goto school and learn with kids like myself. I went there from 11 years old to my sophmore year of high school.. It was like going to an orphanage, or away to college. 2 people per room about 20-30 people per dormatory.. What dorm you were placed in was determined by age and grade.. I thought of it more like going to jail, I was scared for my life every day I was there. You basically had to sleep with one eye open every night in fear of what might happen during the night hours. It didn't matter if I had a roomate that year or not, they would sneak into your room late at night regardless. I was physically rapped twice while I was there by 2 different former male roomates.. Once when I was 14 and another time when I was 16.. Every night I had to sleep with one eye open just to make sure somebody wouldn't sneak in and invade my privacy. I felt so dirty and ashamed, I was told if I told anybody I would be beaten, and I believed them, so I never told anybody not even my mother.. My father and I were never real close growing up, he was never around, the only person I had I could really count on was my mother, so I kept to myself an awful lot.. In fact to this day, I still do not talk much at all to anyone in person and keep a very low profile at work and other social events.. I guess that experience made me afraid to make friends, or I was so shy and backward I didn't know how.. During my sophmore year, my mother found out what was happening, and had a confrence with the school Dean, but he denied everything, so I asked to be sent home to a public school back home in Ft. Wayne.. I started going to Northrop HS starting my junior year.. In October of that year, I met my ex-wife Faye on a blind date, by 2 girls who supposibly knew me from back in 4th grade.. We fell in love, dated for those 2 years, then at my high school graduation I asked her to marry me. She accepted and we were engaged for 4 years after that..

I was offered a scholarship to goto a really nice culinary arts school located somewhere in Rhoad Island, but I turned it down my senior year from my culinary arts teacher, because I wanted to get married. I was going for a Dietician at that time.. My Voc. Rehab counselor and I then decided at first to send me to Evansville University for the summer after graduation. So that summer we decided to send me to Evansville for the summer. I was gang rapped again during that summer by a group of male roomates, and another time by my roomate just before religion finals the night before, so I dropped out.. Because I dropped out, My Voc Rehab counselor refused to offer me financial aid for future college tuition. My father paid for my tuition, but I still had to pay for books and food and other expenses while in school, so I had to start working nights, full time, while going to school during the day, 4 classes at a time, and working in 'work-study' 20hrs a week all at once.. So I was working 40hrs 3rd shift, plus 20 hrs in work study, plus school. I had to take 4 classes at a time at least to keep my financial aid, and I had to work to support a wife and home of my own at the same time. I decided to goto a local college Ivy Tech State College located in Ft. Wayne IN for a degree in Computer Information Systems.. The colleges Guidance Counselor aided in enlarging printed material, and all the other things I needed enlarged, but there was ONE thing they would not help me with...and that was getting notes from the blackboard, so I had a very hard time in school.. I had trouble following along because I couldn't see the blackboard, I tried taking a tape recorder nothing worked, so a few classes like English, Math, and Accounting I ended up repeating numerious times because I could not see the board well enough to complete required assignments.. not one teacher aided me in getting the information I needed to complete assignments. One teacher in particular, Ben StoneBreaker, wrote the entire final exam on the blackboard, knowing very well I could not see it, so instead of helping me or writing it down on paper, he would just fail me.. I asked Ben Stonebreaker to write the final exam on paper numerous times, but he refused, so I would end up repeating the course. I had a few teachers like that so I ended up dropping out of college with 1 class to go....just 1 class Bens class because of that final exam I repeated 5 different times failing it every single time because I could not see the information required to do the final exam.. We were given a practice exam with the answers a few weeks before, and Ben refused to give me that as well.. So I would end up turning in a practice exam I found in the book instead of the real one, so, he would fail me... I knew why he was failing me, but he also knew why I wasn't turning in the right exam. This went on for 5 semesters in a row before I finally dropped out. My mom and dad got involved, threatening to sue the school and all that, only made things worse, so I finally just dropped out, didn't know what else to do. Well, because I came so close to graduation and did not actually graduated yet, after over 10 years of trying, Voc Rehab refused to aid me in finding work in the Computer field.. The only jobs they would help me find were factory work.. Not fair I know, but thats the life of the visually impared I am slowly learning... The worst part about it, they would bend over backwards to help you find a way to see the board, special glasses, enlarging, whatever, but if you could not see it at all they couldn't care less. Deaf people are allowed someone to go into class with them to take notes, its a law apparently, but a blind person isn't allowed someone to go into class with them to take notes from the blackboard too? Thats whats not fair... I never wanted any special favors, I wanted to pass fairly just like everybody else, I feel if deaf people are allowed aid from another person to enter the classroom for a special need why not blind people too? Thats whats not fair... I needed the same assistance as a deaf person would have needed, and they didn't even care....

June 13th, 1993 faye and I were married.. At first it seemed like a match made in heaven, but then she started becoming physically as well as verbally violent.. It started out being verbal when we started living together under the same roof, but that verbal slowly became physically violent.. I was beaten verbally as well as physically by her on many occasions.. One day we had just moved in to a really nice 3 bedroom townhouse after a promotion I earned at my job at Scott's Foods in the bakery Dept as a baker. My mother, sister steph, and I caught her on the couch with another guy, my best friend who lived a couple apts down from us.. I filled for a divorce and was final in May of 96.. During that time, we got into a major argument next thing I knew she was throwing dishes and a metal pan over my head. Next thing I remember I was being rushed to Parkview hospital with a tube up my nose. I was hospitalized for 3 weeks they blamed it on a bleeding colon during that time to save embarrassment.. The day I was released my work called and asked why I didn't show up for 3 weeks, I was too embarrassed to tell them what really happened, so I made up the colon incident, I was then terminated on the spot for no call no show.. nice way to end a marriage huh? I lived on savings after that from January of 96 thru July when I couldn't pay my rent anymoore, so I moved in with my father and was unemployed for a year and a half while I went to school again to try to finish that last class... While I was living there with my dad, I was offered a job at Kosciusko Community Hospital in housekeeping.. I decided to move there and live at a lake cottage with my mom temporarily until I could earn enough money to find a place of my own..:)

I then started dating a girl named Lisa McDonald I met over the computer, she lived in Pontiac, Michigan. we met in November of 97, in March of 98 she told me she was pregnant with a baby girl I was told.. We moved in together in April of 98 then in August she moved back to Michigan, saying she had to see her doctor about some problems she was having during her pregnancy. My lady friends at work insisted she wasn't pregnant at all, they said they could tell, somehow, but I refused to believe them. Who would believe their fiance is lying to you about being pregnant? I didn't want to believe that. Before she left, I asked for her hand in marriage and gave her a beautiful engagement ring. She accepted the proposal and took a bus back to Michigan, she started complaining of all kinds of health problems such as spotting and other health problems, so then in late August I was told the baby had been taken early by c-section and passed away.. My mom drove me up to see her, as she was calling me on the phone saying they had taken the baby early, when we come to find out by the nurses she was never admitted at all.. We went searching all thru the hospital we even asked the head nurse her records were looked up no sign of her was found at all, so we then called her at home, we talked for awhile she said she had already been released, "a c-section and released in one day?" I thought to myself.. I was still having trouble believing all this, and became very emotional and confused, I didn't know what to believe. So I went to a hotel and we talked on the phone for awhile.. She agreed to meet us the next day at 7am for breakfast.. 7am came the next day, I tried to call, she kept hanging up on me, after finally getting her attention, she tells me she's greeving and wants to be left alone.. so I cry on my moms shoulder and say to her.. "Just take me home". As I walked in the door when we returned to Warsaw, I sat down to check my email, a message comes up from her, she writes in so many words... "Dear Tom, it is true I lied about being pregnant, please hope you can forgive me" she thought she could grant my wish and give us a child, but as we know that is no excuse to lie... I then went online and found her in a private room talking to another guy. I didn't know what to think of this, so I just left, and cried alot I guess. Last I heard from her, she met up with some guy in Ontario, Canada and are now marrled last I was told.. To this day, she still emails me right around Fathers Day every year, trying to play head games with me again.. Now her story is, the baby WAS born after all and that I have a little girl named Ashley McDonald out there in the world somewhere..:( To me, my Ashley was very much real, and I'll never forget her as long as I live.. To this day, I still get letters from her saying I have a daughter, with a picture scanned over the computer, but no actual proof other then a picture I don't know is real or not... I still wonder, if she is real, or not real.. We broke up in Sept of 98 and haven't seen her since. Now I spend my days working looking for a better job and trying to build a place of my own, trying to piece what life I have back together again, trying to find a computer job that makes me happy, as well as using God as my guide to help me find my one true love... She is waiting for me out there somewhere I hope, probably feeling just as lonely as I feel right now...

I would give anything, if I only knew the truth.. I have asked Lisa for a maturnity test, she denies, I have asked her for a picture or some kind of 'proof' that I do have a daughter named Ashley McDonald born in Michigan, but again she refuses.... I have asked, if I do have a little girl out there, may I pay child support, again she refuses.. I think she refuses because she knows that if I pay her some kinda child support I have to have visitation rights and she doesn't want that.. either that or she is lying in the first place, to this day I honestly do not know... I just hope and pray that if I do have a little girl out there, I hope her mother tells her about her daddy and I hope she knows that I love her very much, and I wish I could be there for her :( I wish I could be a part of her life.. I just hope that when that day comes when she makes her own decisions Ashley will 'track down' her father and maybe then we can finally meet.. Until then, I sit here day after day wondering, hoping, praying, that I someday find out the TRUTH.. that is all I ask...:( There are so many bad fathers out there in the world today, I can't comprehend for the life of me, why a woman would EVER keep the existence of a child away from her father.. I just can't understand why anyone would do such a cruel and awful thing to her own daughter....:( and to me :(

God has always been there for me when I need him in my life, as I go on interviews looking for work in computers, and spending time with my family and friends, I feel there is something missing in my life, a home, a wife, a little girl, a family of my own perhaps.. As much as my family and friends mean to me, I feel empty inside... so much love to give, and nobody to share it with.. As I go on my journey thru life, I wish upon a star, a wish I make, Though I love my family with all my heart and soul, I yearn to find my one TRUE love.... the only one in this world, who will make my soul feel complete.... God gives me courage, he gives me wisdom, love, and guides me thru the ups and downs in my life, but I need a companion, someone who will be my friend as well as something more.. She is my buddy, my companion, who listens with an open mind encouraging me helping me to feel optimistic.. She gives me strength, leadership, encouragment every step of the way so I can feel positive about myself to continue to be the independant man that I can be.. To be the provider, head of household, and in return give her my loyalty and strength and listening ear to encourage her in her time of need.. Without those things, I feel so empty inside, so alone, so dependant instead of the independant leader God wants me to be... She is out there somewhere.. I just... haven't found her yet...

A couple of years after I wrote this, I met and fell in love with Susan. I met her accidentally thru my local internet providers member list. We lived in the same city so it was easy for us to keep in touch, only a couple blocks away actually. We fell in love, moved in together, and we were married in April 2001, but every now and then, I can't seem to let my past go. I think about Ashley every minute, wondering if she is real, and if she is, will she ever find her daddy?. I honestly don't know.. Susan is 16 years older then me, but she makes me feel happy again. She's honest, patient, caring, loving, everything a wife should be, and more, but I can't help thinking about my little girl. Susan and I can't have any kids. She has two of her own all grown, and her youngest lives with us. The more I spend time with Angie, the more I think about Ashley. Angie loves her dad, and doesn't talk to me much, and that only makes me think about Ashley that much more. I don't have the heart to tell Susan how I feel, only that her love and patients makes me feel happy, but I don't think I will ever feel complete. I never thought I would feel this way about a child I don't know is real or not. Its made me really think about the future..alot. and I've come to realize that I don't need sex and compassion in my life to be happy, and Susan is too old for all that anyway so she thinks, which is ok with me because its her friendship and patients I fell in love with. and I still have nightmares about being rapped as a child so I don't feel like I am missing a passionate relationship or anything, but i do need my little girl, I just wish I knew for sure, ya know?.. I would give anything to have a little girl who loves me like Angie loves her dad. Seeing how much Angie loves her dad, and the bad things he has done in his life, makes me realize that is what is missing in MY life. a child who loves me no matter what... and thats something Susan can't possibly understand because she has 2 daughters who love her no matter what. I need that too.. but I also need a wife like Susan who is patient, loving, caring, who takes care of me when I'm sick, who doesn't make fun of my eyesight, who loves me for the person I grew to be. who doesn't care about sex or passion, but instead wants to be my friend. maybe someday who knows, Susan is almost 50 and I'm barely 30, so the future could be brighter, all I know is without a child of my own I can never feel complete.